August 15, 2008
One year from Happy Heaven Day, I watch the clock wondering what's changed. How am I different? Am I different? Are the boys? Have I led them correctly? Have I mislead others in this new life of mine? I have many questions of myself these days, and so few answers. And yet, as I look at the photo above, I have hope.I once asked if I could be the same man or better without my wife. The answer to both questions is no. I'm merely different. Not better, nor the same. Just different, and so much more complicated.
Over the past 12 months, I've experienced many firsts. For one, I'm a single dad for the first time in my life. Where I once relied on someone else to wash the boys' sheets or do their laundry or cook their breakfast, lunch and dinner, now I am responsible for each of those things. Ugh. I've lost nearly 20 pounds. I finished transcribing Jeseca's journals. In the dozen or so rounds of golf I played, four were under par. I began karate and kicked the sensei so hard I had to stop for two months so my foot could heal.
I went from listening to all of the music Jeseca and I enjoyed together to albums only I've heard. I began making new memories all my own. I met new people. I went to the batting cage for the first time in 13 years. I jumped out of an airplane, and had dreams of tattooing my entire left arm.
I've wanted to fight, cry, run, give up, stand strong, and cling to all I've ever known. I've struggled to find purpose for my life again. I've spent more time on Katie Jones' "couch" than any other therapist I know, which isn't saying much since I've never been to therapy. And I've slept more on the living room floor than my bed.
There's more to this than I care to write tonight, but through it all, I've learned one invaluable lesson: I can't do anything without God's grace, love, and provision in every aspect of our lives.
Though I desire to love again, desperately I do, only God can make a way. Only God can bring about a change in our routine or facilitate healing for the boys. Only God can take a bad situation and shape it for the better. Only God can make things new again.
"I am about to do a brand new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." (Isaiah 43:19)
That's why I hope. For even if I let go of his mighty hand, he won't let go of mine. He's always by my side, telling me that I can take all this life can dish out, and with his help, I can smile.
So here we go. Year two. I don't know what, when or how, but I look forward to a life renewed by the neverending hope and love of the God who's promised never to leave me or forsake me.
Will I jump out of a plane again? Probably. Fight? If it comes my way. Get that sleeve of tattoos? No. (Hey, I have to draw the line somewhere.)
There will be more memories to make. More stories to tell. But there will never be a day when God changes his mind about me. He believes in me, just as he believes in you. And he will make a way. I know it more than anything else in the world. God will take the ruin in my life and make a way for restoration. I can't wait.
posted by Jon Graves at 2:25 AM
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