The Life and Times of Jon Graves

The SingleDad crew

The SingleDad crew: Jesse Lozano (DJ for KIIS FM in LA and 93.3 FM in San Diego), Richard "RJ" Jaramillo (founder and president of SingleDad.com), and yours truly. It's odd to see myself in pictures like this, but I'm so honored to stand beside these two men and raise the flag for single dads. We should start a rock band. Oh wait, we already did. See?

Life has changed so much. A year ago today I was trying to find my way through the boys' first school orientation just a week and a half after Jeseca died. Today was the second version of that, and while I talked with the people I knew from last year, I realized that I've gone through a metamorphosis. I'm different than I was at this time last year. I guess it took school orientation for me to see it.

I honestly don't know how I've changed, just that I have. But you know what? I've given so much thought over the past few months about staying who I've been or venturing out to discover more of me, or who God may want me to be, that I'm kind of glad I've changed. I want to go beyond my comfort zone and allow God to use me more fully.

I'm proper. Maybe I shouldn't be, at least not all the time.

I can't dance. I want to learn.

And I want to take this gift God has given me as far as it can possibly go without giving in to that nagging feeling that I haven't done it before so "stick with what you know."

Nope. This really is the beginning of the next chapter. I've learned to accept that this is the life God has for me, at least for now. So I'm gonna do my best to embrace it all and look for that place in each day where God is smiling big and asking me to join in the fun.

The life God offers is full of promise and hope, regardless of our failures, our pain or our disappointments. But you have to watch for it. You have to listen for it. And you have to learn to act on it the moment it presents itself.

I'm not there. Not yet. But I'm learning... JG

Allowing for New

We went to the beach today. It was the first time in a long while I'd been in water anywhere outside of our community pool at the condo, but it was so great to get out and clear my head. My mom watched the boys and her dog, Rocky, while I jogged around a bit, and then Everen and I raced up the beach and into the water a few times. Christian, pictured above, simply wanted to play in the water and make "mud balls." I had to drag him away...he didn't care. Silly kid.

Sprinting is so much fun. I love the push it requires as you go from zero to full acceleration. Some of life is like a sprint, but it's distance running that tests your character. And that's what I face now...the longer race.

For 11 years I pursued only one thing: a better life with and for Jeseca. We had dreams and aspirations, both individual and joint, and together we built on them with the hope that one day we would look back and enjoy every moment we spent together achieving them. That was what made life worth living...that we would do everything together. And we did, actually. We did everything together.

Did we ever accomplish our dreams? No. I still can't putt to save my life (a requirement on the PGA Tour), and despite her incredible talent, she never became the most well-known portrait artist in America. But as we planned for those things, life happened all around us, and we had the opportunity to grow and to help others grow in the process. We grew closer to God, and we taught the boys about His amazing love and grace. We watched our marriage grow stronger in the face of adversity, and we had the opportunity to be an example to our cousins (Bob and Joy, you two are so amazingly great...I love you both and am so proud of you!) and other married couples we knew. And we learned that communication is the cornerstone to any great relationship. (We didn't always get it right, but we sure did try.)

Now the storyline has changed. And while I'm trying my best to take the next step, it sure is difficult to know where to place my foot. All I can do is trust that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Someone recently told me that I will always carry Jeseca with me. I really will...

August 15, 2008

One year from Happy Heaven Day, I watch the clock wondering what's changed. How am I different? Am I different? Are the boys? Have I led them correctly? Have I mislead others in this new life of mine? I have many questions of myself these days, and so few answers. And yet, as I look at the photo above, I have hope.

I once asked if I could be the same man or better without my wife. The answer to both questions is no. I'm merely different. Not better, nor the same. Just different, and so much more complicated.

Over the past 12 months, I've experienced many firsts. For one, I'm a single dad for the first time in my life. Where I once relied on someone else to wash the boys' sheets or do their laundry or cook their breakfast, lunch and dinner, now I am responsible for each of those things. Ugh. I've lost nearly 20 pounds. I finished transcribing Jeseca's journals. In the dozen or so rounds of golf I played, four were under par. I began karate and kicked the sensei so hard I had to stop for two months so my foot could heal.

I went from listening to all of the music Jeseca and I enjoyed together to albums only I've heard. I began making new memories all my own. I met new people. I went to the batting cage for the first time in 13 years. I jumped out of an airplane, and had dreams of tattooing my entire left arm.

I've wanted to fight, cry, run, give up, stand strong, and cling to all I've ever known. I've struggled to find purpose for my life again. I've spent more time on Katie Jones' "couch" than any other therapist I know, which isn't saying much since I've never been to therapy. And I've slept more on the living room floor than my bed.

There's more to this than I care to write tonight, but through it all, I've learned one invaluable lesson: I can't do anything without God's grace, love, and provision in every aspect of our lives.

Though I desire to love again, desperately I do, only God can make a way. Only God can bring about a change in our routine or facilitate healing for the boys. Only God can take a bad situation and shape it for the better. Only God can make things new again.

"I am about to do a brand new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." (Isaiah 43:19)

That's why I hope. For even if I let go of his mighty hand, he won't let go of mine. He's always by my side, telling me that I can take all this life can dish out, and with his help, I can smile.

So here we go. Year two. I don't know what, when or how, but I look forward to a life renewed by the neverending hope and love of the God who's promised never to leave me or forsake me.

Will I jump out of a plane again? Probably. Fight? If it comes my way. Get that sleeve of tattoos? No. (Hey, I have to draw the line somewhere.)

There will be more memories to make. More stories to tell. But there will never be a day when God changes his mind about me. He believes in me, just as he believes in you. And he will make a way. I know it more than anything else in the world. God will take the ruin in my life and make a way for restoration. I can't wait.

37

37. Wow. As I see it on-screen it's not that bad. 36 sure sounded better, though. Today was hard...different...but it certainly wasn't mundane.

I got out of work early, headed to the DMV (boy was I dreading having to take the Drivers License renewal test...it turned out that I didn't have to...phew), and then headed off to ARTS to pick up the boys. When we got home, the boys ran ahead of me (they'd planned a surprise birthday party for me), and as I opened the front door, jumped out from behind the couch and out of the kitchen with a big "Surprise!" What love they have for their dad...

We finished out the night at Boomers with my mom (and Nadja, a foreign exchange student from Switzerland), my brother Mike, and our dear friend Sarah and her kids. We had a lot of fun racing the go-karts around the track, and inflicted a number of drivers with mild cases of whiplash. (Sadly, I won only once and placed 2nd twice...drat!) But when the evening ended and the boys were fast asleep, it was still just me in the living room thinking about this season of life.

It's just a season, right? So I hold on to hope, for he who promised is faithful. And I look forward to a year of entirely new experiences.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The SingleDad crew

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Allowing for New

Friday, August 15, 2008

August 15, 2008

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

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