August 15, 2008
One year from Happy Heaven Day, I watch the clock wondering what's changed. How am I different? Am I different? Are the boys? Have I led them correctly? Have I mislead others in this new life of mine? I have many questions of myself these days, and so few answers. And yet, as I look at the photo above, I have hope.I once asked if I could be the same man or better without my wife. The answer to both questions is no. I'm merely different. Not better, nor the same. Just different, and so much more complicated.
Over the past 12 months, I've experienced many firsts. For one, I'm a single dad for the first time in my life. Where I once relied on someone else to wash the boys' sheets or do their laundry or cook their breakfast, lunch and dinner, now I am responsible for each of those things. Ugh. I've lost nearly 20 pounds. I finished transcribing Jeseca's journals. In the dozen or so rounds of golf I played, four were under par. I began karate and kicked the sensei so hard I had to stop for two months so my foot could heal.
I went from listening to all of the music Jeseca and I enjoyed together to albums only I've heard. I began making new memories all my own. I met new people. I went to the batting cage for the first time in 13 years. I jumped out of an airplane, and had dreams of tattooing my entire left arm.
I've wanted to fight, cry, run, give up, stand strong, and cling to all I've ever known. I've struggled to find purpose for my life again. I've spent more time on Katie Jones' "couch" than any other therapist I know, which isn't saying much since I've never been to therapy. And I've slept more on the living room floor than my bed.
There's more to this than I care to write tonight, but through it all, I've learned one invaluable lesson: I can't do anything without God's grace, love, and provision in every aspect of our lives.
Though I desire to love again, desperately I do, only God can make a way. Only God can bring about a change in our routine or facilitate healing for the boys. Only God can take a bad situation and shape it for the better. Only God can make things new again.
"I am about to do a brand new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." (Isaiah 43:19)
That's why I hope. For even if I let go of his mighty hand, he won't let go of mine. He's always by my side, telling me that I can take all this life can dish out, and with his help, I can smile.
So here we go. Year two. I don't know what, when or how, but I look forward to a life renewed by the neverending hope and love of the God who's promised never to leave me or forsake me.
Will I jump out of a plane again? Probably. Fight? If it comes my way. Get that sleeve of tattoos? No. (Hey, I have to draw the line somewhere.)
There will be more memories to make. More stories to tell. But there will never be a day when God changes his mind about me. He believes in me, just as he believes in you. And he will make a way. I know it more than anything else in the world. God will take the ruin in my life and make a way for restoration. I can't wait.
posted by Jon Graves at 2:25 AM
4 Comments:
I guess you don't see the strength God has created in you. I stopped by to say Happy Heaven day to you and the boys, sort of an oxymoron to say that but you know exactly what I mean. I continue to think about you and pray for you that God will shower you with all the blessings that you deserve. Thanks for being inspirational...and I do have to say Jess continues to be my Gold Standard for living.
much love and prayers,
nadine
Hey Jon,
Bob & I were thinking & praying for you & the boys today for Happy Heaven Day. I was thinking, wow..Jes has had a whole year with Jesus... it must be amazing! I remembered all the wonderful memories we have of her, her walk with God was always such an inspiration to me, and she led me closer to Him through her battle with cancer.. b/c she made it a journey with God instead of focusing on the "battle". She was an incredible woman of God, and she touched so many lives.
As I told Jes soooo many times, tonight I say this to you: Your words in this entry really touched me and gave me a hope that I can make it through anything and do anything with God by my side! Thank you, Jon. Your entries lift me up, and draw me closer to God!
Love you bunches!! xoxox Joy
Your blog today hits my heart and I'm sure many others that are (were)a part of your life now, and the life you had with Jes were touched by your blog today. As I went to bed last night I wondered and prayed for what today would bring for you and the boys. The Graves' Happy Heaven Day is truly that. We can still rejoice that the love of your life has been made whole with Jesus and one day we all will see her again.
I know the hand of the Almighty is upon you. even though sometimes you are troubled. He continues to give you the words to write each time you post on this site, that you would minister to others, while he is ministering to you. I know sometimes it is very challenging and overwhelming. Stay focused on what he has for you in times of restlessness and searching. He trully will bless you beyond measure and give you the desires of your heart. It may not come today, but it will come. As you have told me many times, "Wait on the Lord" (which isn't always easy.) Continue to listen to His compassionate voice. He will restore your joy and your heart completely one day in His time. He makes all things beautiful...in His time.
I love you very much and you and the boys are in my prayers continually.
Mom
Jer. 29:11
How wonderful for you to express yourself and share your feelings so openly ... you're teaching your boys an invaluable lesson in how to hurt and how to heal, letting others share your pain and feeling the healing power of God's love as your prayers and ours are answered. I remember year one, as I remember every year after Mark passed away ... you will, too and it is a wonderful day to remember and reflect on all that was and all that has come to be.
Thank you for sharing ... your words are comforting as well as inspiring.
Blessings,
Colleen
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