Transitioning through
January 21, 1972, will always be a day I remember. I was a little over five months old, and I imagine that day for me was quite different than the previous 150 or so. To borrow from Steven Curtis Chapman, the sun probably shone brighter in the Indiana sky, and I probably smiled bigger than ever before; for that was the day my life changed. It was the day Jeseca was born.She would be 36 today had God not called her home. But as I've said before, how can I fault him for wanting to be with her? She was magnificent.
Many thoughts have gone through my mind over the past five months as I've tried to gain my bearings in the sea of life ahead of me. Most of them are the realizations that, although I loved her like crazy, I could have loved her more. I could have loved her in the small things of life. I could have read to her more while she lay on the couch with her legs up. I could have helped her more around the house; or at least I could have done it with a better attitude. I could have encouraged her every moment of every day to spend more time on her art than on my meals...... You know, the little things that make life so much richer. I know I got some of them right, but I could have done better.
Today, however, I didn't beat myself up as much. Somewhere along the line...perhaps it was just today...I stopped kicking my heart around and started rejoicing in the knowledge that I was the one she chose to stand by her side in this life and escort her to the gates of heaven. And she made it! She finished her race! (I don't even know where the finish line is.)
Even more remarkable for me is that I'm now sincerely happy for her; for where she is now and with whom. I've come to a transition point from sorrow to joy because of the hope I have in our Lord Jesus, the Resurrection and the Life. He has given me peace. He is so, so good to me. And he is revealing himself more and more to and in the boys.
A couple of days ago, after an hour-long jaunt through Balboa Park, Christian opened up and told me he's sad every day because his mom died. I told him I was, too, and that it's okay to be sad. Then I pointed him to Jesus and told him that God knows we're sad, but that he also wants us to be happy because of his love; that God has a plan for his life that no one can stop. All we have to do is keep following Jesus and the pieces will fall into place. He got it, then asked if we could "go see Mom." We did today, and I got to witness God's true miracle-work in progress as Christian laughed and played around El Camino Memorial Park.
At one point, he stood on the grave site where Jeseca's feet would be if she were just below the surface. I told him it was okay (Everen was telling him to move), to which Christian replied, "I'm not going to hurt her. She's not there; she's in heaven." He really does understand. He reminds me so much of her; laughing, running, playing all the time. God's bringing him back to life, too. It's so great to see. JG
posted by Jon Graves at 11:14 PM
1 Comments:
You, son are a joy in my heart and the Lord's. You were a devoted and loving husband that anyone would wish to be, and a blessing to Jes. Always remember that.
As I came to Jes' resting place today I did not know what to expect. On the way, I prayed that you, Everen and Christian would have peace. When I came from the car and the boys ran to me and hugged me in happiness and excitement to show me the flowers they brought their mom and tell me about the rocks they planted at her feet, I thanked the Lord for His answer to my prayer. He continues to be so good and faithful to us when we need it most.
The Happy Birthday balloons the boys brought for their mom were wonderful...and the symbol of Everen's taking flight to the heavens (for her) was a breath of rejoicing.
Thank you for inviting me to join the three of you there. It was a special time for me as well. You know that I loved Jes so very much.
Mom
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