2008
Is a picture worth a thousand words tonight? Maybe. What exactly does this picture say? Does it convey what we feel deep down? What I feel an hour after praying alone while the rest of the world celebrates? No, I'm afraid it doesn't. It shows only a portion of the life we live as 2007 gives way to 2008...that we are making it. The rest of tonight's post will be the other portion, and may in fact amount to another thousand words......the words this picture doesn't quite convey.I've done an enormous amount of thinking over the past several weeks, mostly about this moment in time -- the passing of a new year without Jeseca. How should I prepare for it? Should I prepare for it at all? What should I do if friends invite me to celebrate it with them? Do I need to isolate myself from the world in order to preserve the tradition we established years ago and pray through the end of 2007 and into 2008? And what of the boys? How will they deal with the official beginning of a new year without the woman who taught them everything they know about this world in which we live? Without the woman who loved them more than her own life?
Surprisingly enough, I had no answers. I decided to play it by the moment and allow God to stir in me whatever he knew was necessary.
Breakfast was great (thanks for coming over, Mom, and for your beautiful comment), and by noon the boys were off with their grandma for a few hours....a much, much needed respite from the noise of boys. As I contemplated what to do with the day, I shot off a few emails then headed over to the golf course where Jeseca purchased a year's membership so I could sharpen up for a shot at playing competitive golf again.
I'd spent quite a bit of time on the practice green there before her health took a turn for the worst...most of it while listening to the iPod Jeseca found along the road as she ventured on her daily morning walk. It's where I first heard Dvorak's triumphant Symphony No. 9. It's where the front office staff remarked how jealous they were of me for having a wife who loved me enough to actually invest in my golf game instead of complain about it. It's where I continued the dream we shared...the dream that one day I would play in a PGA Tour event and embrace her with a huge hug and kiss in the crowd when it was all over.
As I stood on the green for the very last time (today was the final day of the membership), it hit me that the dream has been lost forever. It's gone. But you know what's strange? When I finally chose to put the ball on the green, I made the first putt. Why does God do that??? I may be crazy, but I truly think he just keeps showing me that it's not over. It's not lost. "Life is still going, so pick your heart up off the ground, quit stepping on it, and let's go!" "But God, I kinda like kicking my heart around a bit....." Isn't that the way we are? Hey, at least I can laugh at myself.
...........
New Year's Eve was the day when Jeseca and I would focus our attention on each other and the Lord and seek his direction for the year ahead. For the first time in 12 years, I spent it alone. But as I told a friend earlier, because I love God and have chosen above all else to put him first in my life, I am commanded to be strong and courageous and to face this year with hope. That's all I can do.
...........
I'd never gone back to read through the short stories I've posted here until this week. There are more than 70 in all, not counting those that didn't transfer over from my other blog, JesusandJava.com. I was curious if there was a central theme, or if they were the simple ramblings of a man desperate for a solution for the love of his life. You know what I found?
Hope.
I was wrong, and I still had hope. Things looked horrible; I knew I might lose her forever, and I still had hope. I worked endlessly and sometimes without sleep, trying desperately to balance my responsibilities here at home and at work, and still I had hope. She died, and somehow I had hope that God would bring her back. And now as I face the first calendar year without her, I hold on to the hope I have expressed so many times over the past few years; the hope I have in a God who cared so much about me that he gave up his one and only son just to knock on the door of my heart.
That kind of hope lasts forever.
So while this year will be filled with a series of firsts (as another friend wisely pointed out to me), my God remains the same as he was yesterday and today, and he promises to be by my side through it all.
As 3:00 a.m. approaches and I begin to think about the boys coming to ask for breakfast, I want to leave you with the scripture God has put on my heart for 2008:
Psalm 37:5-6 says, "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
He did that for Jeseca. Everyone who saw her mentioned how radiant she looked. That's what I want; that even in a year of uncertainty, while we remain committed to the Lord, he will make us shine. May he do that for you, as well. God bless, everyone. Happy New Year. JG
posted by Jon Graves at 1:09 AM
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