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The Life and Times of Jon Graves
Friday, November 30, 2007
Evidence of God at work
Christian has had a hard time since Jeseca died; digging into his heart to see how he really feels has been difficult because he tends to hold it all in. They had a very special bond. So when he said the following today, I realized that God is doing his own special work behind the scenes...
"I'm sad that mom died, but.........I bet she's having fun!"
18 days after Jeseca passed away, my dad (who was still in town...great guy) asked me to go play a round of golf. I had every excuse in the book not to go; every one of them fell through, so I played. When the round ended, it was crystal clear that God had set it up.
For the first time in 10 years, I shot under par. It took a birdie putt on #18 to do it. As I stood over it, lining it up, I asked God not to allow it to go in. "Don't do this to me, God. Not the first round after she died." It went right in the heart of the cup.
The whole day was a blur, but it was a day of constant conversation with God. My dad (sorry Pop) was off playing in the bushes, out of bounds, in the water hazard......it gave me a day on the course essentially to myself, and the opportunity to tell God how I felt between each shot. On #14 I actually picked up the phone out of habit to call Jes and see how she was doing. I never dialed.
So when the last putt went in the hole, I was overwhelmed. "Why would you do this to me, God? Who am I supposed to share this with now?" Can you guess what he said? "Me. Share it with me." It was the most unique "I love you" I've ever heard.
The scorecard above is from the course I played while we were in Palm Springs just before Thanksgiving. 3-under 68 (par is 71) from the tips. It could have been 7-under 64 had I not looked like this over the middle four holes. What does it mean? Nothing other than that God cares.
Reality hit me like a Rocky Marciano punch today. After 9 or 10 days off and a trip to Palm Springs, going back to work, the five o'clock alarm, and homework all seem so challenging. But that's okay. Ahhhhh the stories I'll be able to tell the boys of how we overcame.....
Really, there's just a lot to do and so little time to get it done. But I know that God is still by my side, pulling for me and encouraging me. He's so good to do that. I love you, God.
The boys and I just returned from Palm Springs. It was fun to have everyone out, and it was fun when everyone left and we got a couple of days to ourselves. (Here's a picture of the boys in the families, and one of me and my nephew. I hope to have hair like his in a year or two. And yes, I know I've gotten skinny, but I can still hit a golf ball farther than anyone reading this.)
Best of all, I got to spend some quiet time with the Lord to recharge. I did a lot of thinking as I sat on our balcony watching the sun rise and shine its brilliance on the mountain in front of me.......thinking mostly about this thing we call "God's plan" for our lives.
Job is one of my favorite books in the Bible primarily for the source of strength and wisdom it has become. It sheds light on so many things, not the least of which is dealing with loss. I read nearly the entire book two mornings ago. I'd read it many times before, but for some reason that morning it dawned on me that this idea we have of "God's plan" is all wrong.
We've made it out to be about prosperity or success. As of today, I believe it's only about God's desire for us to be more like Jesus. Our every experience is aimed at shaping us; everything we do (and don't do) he uses for that purpose alone. Why? Because he loves us so much.
The "plan" is not about what. It's about who and how. It's about me learning -- through the loss of my wife -- how I can be a better man, father, husband (if that's what he wants for me), and follower of Christ for the rest of my days. He didn't want me to lose Jeseca to bring me heartache. He wants me to grow in my love for him, and to learn from this experience so I can bring more glory and honor to him today and tomorrow.
I've been listening to Krystal Meyers' debut album. There's a song titled "My Savior" that speaks about the amazing love he gives; one that consumes me. It ends with the words, "...I'm amazed to call you mine." That's exactly how I feel. I'm amazed at his love for me, and I am proud to call him my Savior. He is so good to me.
Is there a point? I guess it's that life is a love story. At least that's the part of the "plan" that I'm really starting to understand. And I'm so glad I'm on the receiving end of that love, because the Giver is remarkable.
Wow. Just the title says a lot. It's hard to believe it's been three months since Jes went home. Part of me says, "That's it?" The other part finds it so hard to believe. It's been a slow progression, and God is giving me my heart back, but he has an odd sense of humor.
As I was packing for Palm Springs (the Thanksgiving trip that Jeseca booked months ago), I went to pull the suitcase out of the closet and came across a box of photos that contained pics of our wedding in '96. We were soooo young and it shows. Funny. Isn't it odd how a picture can pull you back in time and make you feel, for the briefest moment, how you felt then? Our smiles were so genuine, and no one could ever have foretold that just a few years later our faces would wear from the burdens we would carry.
And now........ But how can I argue with the smiles on the boys' faces and the peace God has given each of us? I can't because it is God who has done that. God who has given us hope again.
Make no mistake: Life takes courage. You can't really live without braving the storms and facing your fears. And God is always there, right next to you, hoping you will ask his opinion and allow him to whisper his words of encouragement into your heart..."Be strong and courageous." He said that to me today. I will, Lord. Please stay with me always. JG
I told a friend of ours recently that it's hard to go on without looking back. Without stopping. (Sarah, you are such a blessing to me. You are in my prayers...you and Michael and the kids.) This video is a look back at a magical moment in time where we put everything aside and concentrated on each other.
Now God is calling me on, and I'm doing all I can to keep from missing anything he has for me and the boys. But I really do fight for my sanity sometimes. I'm not who I was three months ago. Physically, the weight I struggled for most of my life to put on is gone...it took all of seven weeks. Spiritually, though, I'm at a new place. A place where I understand that I don't understand anything except that God is real, and that he cares enough about me to whisper his love into my heart and soul and bring me back to life.
Here's a video we did back in March. There's much more to it than this, but my brother and I pared it down to play at Jeseca's memorial service. It was special to see her speak at her own service. This is who Jeseca was day in and day out. She was extraordinarily in love with God.
