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The Life and Times of Jon Graves
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Now what?
I have been so accustomed to writing; to having something to write about. These days, though, I feel as if the monotony of my days would bore the average third grader. So tonight, you get to see this great photo of me clowning around in Julian.
Honestly, my days are anything but boring, as I now do the job of both father and mother. You have no idea how much women actually do until you are faced with a situation like this. It's laughable to think back on how far off I was when I would ask Jes why she wasn't able to do a small task during the day. Seriously laughable. I get it now. Ladies, you are amazing.
I just saw the rough cut of a video I did for The Rock Academy - the boys' school. I hope to have the full interview shortly so I can share a small portion of what we went through when Jeseca died. It's still incredibly surreal. And yet God has sent people into our lives to help us through. Thank you, Lord, for your amazing faithfulness and love.
Two months ago I met a woman for the first time at work. She'd come in to show me a proof of a piece the airport was printing, and as I was back in the office, it was my job to approve it. I apologized for not being in the loop on that particular job, and indicated I'd been out for a while. She asked why, and when I told her about Jeseca's passing, she started sobbing there in the upstairs lobby. It turned out that that day was the 16th anniversary of her husband passing away after his own battle with cancer. We chatted for a while after that, as you can imagine. Colleen, if you are reading this, I think of you often, and look forward to working with you again soon.
God brought us together at that amazing place in time so we could share each other's pain and encourage each other. She went on to remarry, but what was so neat to me, and I told her so, was that the pain was still so raw 16 years later. That encouraged me so much. Not in any sick, sadistic way, but simply that Jeseca will always remain a part of our lives.
The hard thing is that I have had to go on. Life demands that I do. But I think of her so often. I look at the pictures of our 10th anniversary where we renewed our vows to each other. I see those that we took in Julian for our 11th. And I can't help but shake my head. It really is hard to understand. But what isn't? If you try to evaluate your life and the many choices and steps you've taken, can you possibly explain how you got to where you are now? No way. Yet everything for the believer in Christ is directed. Every step and every misstep. I say that because there have been so many times when I should have fallen and didn't because God was still holding me up. I imagine that's true for all of us.
Will the pain go away? I can't imagine that it will. But I do know and trust that God will continue to shower us with his love, and with that, we will experience joy even in the sorrow this life brings. If I can just manage to remember that he really is in control of my every breath......JG
Michael Buble's Lost. This song has so much of my heart in it. It ends with, "...when the world's crashing down, and you cannot bear the cross..." This is my cross...life without the woman who made me whole. Still, I press on, carrying this heavy, splintered piece of wood with me. Thank you, Lord, for the strength you give me.
I know without a doubt that God loves me. Today he made me realize just how extraordinary I am to him. I can't help but cry as I write, because that is just so amazing. It made me stand up straight again. I haven't been. And he made me realize that with his help, I can face it all. Every massive storm this life can bring.
Today has been neat in a lot of ways. One of those was walking around Balboa Park with the boys through what Everen calls "Raptor Canyon," then checking out the Copper Exhibit from the Holy Land. Afterwards, we walked through the park toward the car and happened upon the lawn where Jes, the boys and I celebrated the end of the home-school year with Rachel and her boys. (Thanks for sending the pics yesterday, Rach. Perfect timing.) It brought back great memories of Jeseca for me and the boys. The end of the school year was the first of Jeseca's three final goals here. She achieved them all.
I look at these pictures and see a woman whose faith, courage and strength of character overcame her physical weakness. She willed herself to be here; to teach our boys about the love of the Almighty God. I am so blessed to have stood by her. And as Jon Courson so elequently stated about his 16-year-old daughter at her memorial service, I am privileged to have been able to hand her off to the perfect Husband, our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I stated in my last post that I am letting go of the struggle to hold on to our relationship. It's not easy, and I fight a mental battle all the time...am I callous...am I moving on too fast...am I hiding from anything.............the games that we (and the Enemy) play. My comfort has come through the story of David and the loss of his young son (the son he had as a result of his affair with Bathsheba). He mourned and fasted for him day and night, refusing to eat or speak to anyone except God, whom he asked for healing. But when his son died, David got up, changed his clothes, worshipped God, and ate. His servants thought he was crazy. Maybe I am, too. But I realize that I cannot look back. What can I possibly change? And what do I gain by standing still? Paul tells us to press on toward the prize that awaits us; to finish the race.
I want so desperately to be a better man and father. God gave me today to work on it. That's all. And when tomorrow comes, I will have another chance to live it out as passionately as I can. That's what Jeseca did. And God (and the boys, and everyone else) deserve no less.
I have been searching and praying for answers to the mysteries of life and death, of heaven, and of love. I have yearned more to be in heaven than ever before, and I have questioned God on the direction of my life. And I have been wrong.
Simply put, God wants me to love him more than anything or anyone else, either here or in heaven. Yes, I love Jeseca; I always will. But she cannot be my reason for living or holding on. Jesus holds that role, and he wants me to let go of the struggle within my heart, and the search for answers. He wants me to live and glorify him through the ups and through the downs. He wants me to live because he loves me and has more in store for my life than I could ever imagine.
Is it too quick to come to that conclusion? No, it's not. I poured all of me into Jeseca, and for that I hope God is pleased. What comes of that love in heaven is entirely up to God, and I hope that when I see him (and her again) I don't start smelling like smoke. In the meantime, God, in his great mercy and grace has been patiently waiting for me to get up and start walking with him again. Okay, Lord, here I come. Thank you for allowing me to grieve, and for the courage to carry on.
I had a chance to workout under the stars tonight. The boys were in bed by 9:00, so I took advantage of the time and did something for myself. I have a new (used, but new to our house) Bowflex-type machine on the front porch, which I've used at least a dozen times in the past month. Tonight, though, I left the porch light off and looked up at the stars as I worked to put back the 20 pounds I've lost since Jeseca went to be with the Lord.
The conversation was good. How could it not be when you know God is staring down at you from behind his heavenly veil? Much like the ocean, when you look up at the night sky and witness what no man can understand, you can't help but feel God's presence.
So I began asking him the questions that have been eating away at my soul. And as I stared up into the heavens, peace washed over me as I thought about God's plan for my life. His plan for me. Looking up into the incredible expanse of night, I tried peering beyond the physical canopy and listened for wisdom to teach me this one mystery of the parallel life Jeseca and I are now living......she there with God while I remain here to pick up the pieces. And at least for a moment I understood that God will use this experience in my life, as painful as it is, to further shape me to be more like Jesus. That's really what I want, and it's what I will always strive to pass on to our boys...a love for God so strong that even death must submit to it.
Lord, you are amazing. Your ways are not mine, but that's alright. While my heart agonizes over Jeseca's passing, I look forward to what you have in store for me and the boys. It must be something extraordinary if it required that you take Jeseca away from us. Let us always remember that your plan is best. It really is.
God spoke to me today, through this one incredible song. The message, along with Josh Groban's amazing voice, touched a spot deep within my heart...one I've been hiding from. Thank you, Lord. I needed to hear that. I love you, too.
I have been so accustomed to writing; to having something to write about. These days, though, I feel as if the monotony of my days would bore the average third grader. So tonight, you get to see this great photo of me clowning around in Julian.
