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The Big Question
 Spirit Day at The Rock Academy. We had so much fun this morning getting the boys' hair color just right. (Thank you CVS for the hair paint!) This week has been hard, though. My first day back to work was.......well, it was different. Everything is different now. Jeseca has spent the past six weeks with God, while I have been figuring out simply how to get by without her. And I find myself coming back to the same question every day: Can I be the same man without her as I was when we were together? Honestly, I don't know. I know how to be nice and smile; I know what to say to people when they ask how I'm doing; I know how to lift people up when they don't know what to say to me. But am I the same? Can I be better than I was when I had the support of my best friend and the richness of heart that came with knowing and loving her? That's a tough one. And so this portion of my journey begins, while the wound is still raw and the sting still burns. God has asked that I trust him. So I'll move ahead each day, as God continues to reveal his plan one small step at a time. That's what matters most, right? Learning to walk with him in the best and worst of times. Lord, be with me. JG
A Beautiful Journey
 Boy, the passing of time never slows down, does it? It is 100% consistent. The sun comes up and goes down, right on time, every day, just as God said it would. When Jeseca passed away holding my hand in the hospital, all I wanted was for God to stop the clock; to stop the world from spinning -- just for a day -- so I could stop and think. But He didn't. Instead, just moments after I watched her vital signs all fall to zero, I had to decide how our boys would say goodbye......if they would at all. Half a dozen nurses, doctors and social workers were flooding in and out of the room as I sat there in disbelief, and it was all I could do to keep from locking the door behind them when they left. I did ask for a few minutes to myself, which they politely gave. And in those five minutes of prayer, I realized the emotion and anquish with which Job must have praised the Lord after hearing that he had just lost everything. I imagine he gritted his teeth, forcing himself to say those famous words, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." That's what I did......every word true, and yet every syllable so difficult to say. Here we are, five weeks later, and I thank God for His amazing consistency, and for not stopping the clock. Many, many things have transpired over these past five weeks, and all of them have helped to bring about at least a sense of healing for me and the boys. I had a most unique "I love you" from the Lord on the golf course. I've watched two amazing young women open the doors to my boys' hearts and minds in their respective classrooms (Thank you, Ali and Jamie). And I've had the opportunity to read through the many journal entries Jeseca and I wrote over the past four years. What I can say now (and I will look for more opportunities to do so in the future), is that God is incredibly wonderful, and that Jeseca knew Him more deeply than anyone I have ever met. I am in the process of transcribing her journals (a project I have titled, "Beautiful Journey"), and am fairly confident you will feel the same way after reading them. Quite honestly, I never knew such a relationship could exist between one person and the creator of the universe. And I yearn for it in my own life now more than ever. As for the boys, they are both doing well. We've started to do two new things here at home. First, every morning on the way to school I ask the boys to listen for God's still, small voice. We bought a journal specifically to write down what we believe God is saying to us on a daily basis. Jesus said, "My sheep know my voice..." I want them to start listening so that they will never confuse His voice with anyone else's. Second, we have a weekly "Family Music Night," where I turn on a sampling of some of the finest classical music pieces by Dvorak, Beethoven, Mozart and others, and just speak quietly to the boys on the couch. Christian lies down in my lap, while Everen (the most restless kid I have ever met) grabs a pillow and blanket and does his very best to figure out how not to be quiet and listen. Eventually he calms down (usually after Christian falls asleep), and we end up talking about his mom and how much she loved and cherished the time she was able to spend with them. It is a sweet, sweet time that God has given us together. And I pray that we (the 3GBs) will follow in Jeseca's footsteps on that Beautiful Journey to the gates of Heaven. We all should. Lord, help us to open our mouths and take as many people with us as we can. Labels: Jeseca's Fight Against Cancer
Up and down in this journey
 What else is there to say but that God is an incredible God? The boys are now attending The Rock Academy, and both received Student of the Week awards in just their second week in school. I am so proud of them. And I am so blessed; blessed by a loving God who put everything together for them before Jeseca passed away, and who has worked in their hearts and the hearts of their teachers to make all of it work together for good. He is an amazing, loving God. And I am blown away by the amount of love and support we have received over the past month. Yes, it's been a month. I am concerned about Christian, as he is consistently sad at school. Everything in his life has changed 100%. Not only did he lose his mom, but now, being at school where Kindergarten activities and schedules are different than his brother's Third Grade class, he no longer spends every waking moment with his brother. And he's feeling it. I was able to spend some time with him in his class today, and then went back to eat lunch with him around 11:15. As he eats, he can see his brother playing on the playground, and it's got to tear him up to know that he can't go say hello and get a hug. I hate that he has to go through this by himself. Lord, please come to his rescue. Rescue his broken heart. There are moments in each day when I, too, flirt with emotional disaster, and anything can trigger it. Today it was as I was walking through Mervyn's with Christian. I noticed a pair of sandals that Jes would have liked, and as I stopped to take a second look (and the thought "Jes would like those" went flashing through my mind), I realized what I was doing and slumped. It was incredibly brief, but the thoughts were there. Oh how I miss her. But I am hard at work on her story. First, I am working on publishing Jeseca's journals -- one at a time -- and will place them on her new site when I finish redesigning it. There are a total of seven, I believe, and all will be published in a downloadable PDF so anyone can print them out and read them. I plan to sell them for just a couple of dollars each, which will help to (hopefully) raise some money for the boys' future. I am also working on a book proposal with my aunt, who happens to know a pretty influential literary agent in the business. The book will be called, "The Cancer that God Gave," just as we thought about doing before. There are many reasons for it, but the main one is that, as I read through Jeseca's journals, her wholehearted request was to be used mightily by God. And it goes back far before her diagnosis in 2003. I don't believe anyone can argue that God didn't honor her request. She truly was a miraculous work of the Lord. JG
Jeseca's eternal work
A few days ago, someone from my son's karate class approached me to give me her condolences, and to tell me how special and strong our family is in the midst of this. She mentioned that Everen was smiling and working so hard, and told me how lucky we are. I told her it was God, and the amazing job that Jeseca did in revealing the Kingdom of Heaven and the hope we have in Jesus to our boys. And that was it. She walked away offering her help in any way and said goodbye. But the seed that God comforts -- even in the worst of times -- had been planted. When people see us now, they see strength; but it is God's strength in our time of weakness, not our own. And He wants to be there for them, too, when they experience their own heartache and pain. He is always there, knocking on the door of your heart, waiting for you to cast your cares on Him and rest. This new reality -- life without my best friend and true love -- continues to reveal itself slowly every day. It comes in the middle of all of the tasks now before me, and I can't help but wonder when the pain that rests somewhere deep within my heart will come to the surface. It is such a blessing, though, to know that the work Jeseca did is still paying dividends. It always will. Many things have changed for me. First and foremost is that I am more in love with Jeseca now than I was before. She endured so much for the boys and me, and she did it all out of love. So I have purposed in my heart to continue what she started. Believe me when I tell you that she started a lot. This website will change, as will hers. And I trust that God's hand of blessing will be upon me as I strive to know Him more, and to honor my one and only love in this life -- my extraordinary wife, Jeseca. Please stay tuned...JG Labels: Jeseca's Fight Against Cancer
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© 2006-2008 Jon Graves. All rights reserved. |
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