What next?
I have to admit that I don't really know what else to say anymore. Jeseca's health continues to worsen and all I can do is pray about it. I just cry out for God's mercy. What more can I possibly do?
This evening, after going in to do some work at the airport, I headed for Harbor Island at 1:00 a.m. to spend some one-on-one time with the Lord. It couldn't have been more peaceful, with the nearly full moon's light glimmering off of the calm bay waters. I sat there on an empty park bench and poured what's left of my heart out to God. I know He was listening, but I don't know that I heard any response. Just.......well, just peace.
A week ago, Jes mentioned how painful it is to cough now. The growth in her chest (what causes her cough) has either grown into her sternum or is burrowing beneath it. It's also painful to the touch. The doctor says don't touch it. (Makes sense.) But as she sleeps, she coughs. And three nights ago, while she nearly cried her way through a coughing fit, I found myself pleading with God to take her. I couldn't take it anymore and wanted God to end her suffering. And I understood for the first time in my life why people sought out Dr. Kevorkian's "help." (No, we would never, never do such a thing.)
When I got home tonight, I read through Romans 9. Verses 14-16 say, "What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." I wonder what that's supposed to mean...
You know, I come back to this almost every time I ponder what's happening -- that God remains in control, and that my very best will never be good enough to save Jeseca from death. As Romans 9 articulates, it's all up to God and has nothing to do with me. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes not. In the end, though, I still find myself staring back up into the heavens, waiting on the Lord to make his next call. And while I do that, I pray that my beautiful wife sleeps peacefully through the night. Lord, please be merciful. JG
Labels: Jeseca's Fight Against Cancer
posted by Jon Graves at 1:56 AM
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