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The Life and Times of Jon Graves
Saturday, April 28, 2007
The mystery of God
I don't quite know what to say tonight. Sometimes I get caught up in the hope that God is going to heal Jes that I lose touch with what is really going on in the present. I continue to believe that God will heal her, but she continues to suffer.
It's no easy task to watch her go through all of this and know that I can't do anything about it. I can give her a back massage, but I can't make the pain in her lower back go away. I can pray for her to breathe each night, but I can't open up her windpipe or wipe away the tumors in her chest. I can help around the house so she doesn't have to do everything, but still she is fatigued. I can hold on to the hope we have in Jesus, but I can't speed up the process. It's tough.
I've talked so much about Jeseca's courage in the past; it remains remarkable to this day. She is absolutely amazing. She is positive even through the pain, telling everyone who asks that things are getting better. I honestly don't know that her condition matches her words, but how could I ever betray her feelings or doubt what she says is happening in her body?
I've contemplated putting together a video request for prayer for her. Nothing fancy (clearly), just a humble plea for help from anyone listening. I'll see what I can put together.
... ... ... ... (thinking)
In the face of all of this, God has proven Himself worthy of praise and worship. Since August of 2006, when we received the results of this PET Scan, we've lived with the understanding that, at least according to the doctors, Jeseca will die someday soon. Nine months later, she is still here teaching our boys about the grace and love of God, and we continue to plan for a future filled with crazy love, fun times and fantastic travel. That can only be credited to the hope we have in God, the faith He's given us for this period in our lives, and the extraordinary love He has for my wife.
... ... ... ...
I have labored away trying to find the right words tonight. As I've thought about everything, God has once again shown me that He is impossible to figure out, but He never fails to come through.
I know I will never understand the mysteries of God, but He is fully worth discovering. JG
I am officially a wannabe golfer. With very little time to practice and a tee shot that could go anywhere at any time (like in the water or out of bounds at the most inopportune time), my game is bad. Last time out: 80 with a snowman. My handicap is 2, but for what I want to do, that amounts to 10+. No good. In fact, that's shake-your-head bad.
For all who are interested in hearing about Jeseca (and I know that's most of you), an update is coming. I just had to shake things up a bit and actually tell you about what's happening in my life...you know, the "Life and Times of Jon Graves."
Hebrews 10:23 says, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."
I'll post some pictures of Jeseca this week so you can see just how amazing it is that she is still alive. It can only be God. There is certainly no question in our minds that He is at work. And something great has begun to happen...the bowling ball in her liver has started to soften. In fact, as of today there is a small depression where there was once a peak. What we have hoped for may finally be happening! It's hard to tell for me since her eye has gotten so bad, but like Jeseca said today, "If God heals my liver, won't He also heal my eye?" That's our hope.
We watched Facing the Giants last night. What a great message. It's all about placing our hope in God, who does the impossible in the lives of people who trust Him. One of the scenes shows a pastor speaking with the team's head coach, delivering a message of hope at just the right time. The pastor later offered the following parable:
"There were two farmers who prayed for rain. The first prayed and waited for the rain to come. The second finished his prayer and immediately went out to till the field in preparation for the rain. Of the two, which one truly believed God would deliver? Which of these are you? Are you waiting for rain, or preparing for when it comes?"
Isn't that great? Which one are you? Which one am I? It really struck a cord within me.
Six years ago Jeseca and I attended a church service where we were challenged to pray and listen for an audible word from the Lord on the direction He wanted to take us. I walked away without so much as a "hello," but Jeseca had an actual conversation with God (within her), with details about a future trip for the two of us to Russia and Egypt in what she believes will be a dangerous mission to evangelize. We have held onto the idea of that trip ever since, knowing that God never lies. It has given us hope in some of our darkest hours.
The time has come, at least as I feel it in my heart, to begin "preparing for the rain." God has been training us to let go of this life, to not fear death. Maybe we're there, maybe not. Either way, we remain ever hopeful that our God will fulfill His promise and restore Jeseca's health.
Now, how my golf game factors into that sort of trip is beyond me. At its core, the trip will be about taking ground from the enemy, so I know we're going to come up against some danger. So while I'm tilling the field I'm gonna take some hard-core self-defense training...just in case. JG
I hope you don't mind my posting another video. We officially made our first movie tonight, Toy Story UFC. It's my youngest son's epic battle between Buzz Lightyear and Zurg. I know most of you come to hear about Jes, so I apologize if this is a bit out of sorts. Personally, we need something to laugh at right now. This is it.
Jeseca is doing alright. We're concerned that the cancer is spreading to her heart or left lung. I don't know how much more she can take. For now, she is still the most amazing, courageous woman on the planet. Father, how much more?
Easter was a lot of fun. After The Rock's service with special guest, LaDanian Tomlinson, we all headed back to my mom's place for dinner and a hilarious Easter egg hunt. My son and nephew had a lot of fun, and some huge smiles afterward as you can see. (I changed the video so you could see their sweet faces.)
I will have a much more serious video coming this week, and I will need your help getting the word out. I would like to ask people all over the world to join me in a prayer of healing for Jeseca on May 1st. Please watch for it. It will be my second attempt at using YouTube (God help me, I can't stand that site) to share a video. This one will be much more important.
Here it is, very early Easter morning, and as I think about what we are celebrating today, I can't help but imagine how difficult it must have been for Jesus to endure all that He went through just for my sake. Amazing love...thank you, Lord.
Two nights ago, Jeseca awoke gasping for air in the middle of the night. It was exactly the same type of episode that sent us to the ER before. I sprang up and immediately started asking God for help and mercy. Then I started rebuking the enemy. Jeseca later told me she thought it was Satan trying to choke her to death. I don't doubt it.
This particular episode came just hours after we were encouraged by the account of a 30-year-old man who had to endure months of pain from cancer that the doctors told him would end his life. Just like Jeseca, this man (Mark, I believe) heard from God that he would be healed. While he was forced to go well beyond his comfort zone (the pain got pretty bad and he lost the use of one of his arms), God fully restored his health. We felt much better about our situation after reading Mark's story; just hours later we were praying for her life. I just can't stand the enemy!
Oh well. Today we celebrate the rising of our Lord and Savior from the dead. Who's the man?! Jesus!
January 2004. Jeseca had just begun treatment for what was diagnosed as the "most advanced localized case" of cancer the doctors at Scripps La Jolla had ever seen. What began in her tonsil had spread to 13 lymph nodes in her throat.
We had no idea the road would lead here, to this particular point in time when everything looks so dire, but we were sure that God was going to heal Jeseca. So I wrote the prologue to a book I knew we would write, our book, entitled "The Cancer that God Gave."
Now before you start critiquing the title, understand that we know God is a loving God who wants only the best for us. At the time, it really seemed like this had come from God. Not to bring Jeseca to the brink of death as she appears to be now, but instead, to get us on our knees and begin a greater transformation in our lives.
Does God inflict people with diseases or hardship? Who am I to say? The disciples asked Jesus once why a blind man was born blind. Was it because of his own sins or those of his father? Jesus said, "Neither." The man was born blind so that God could receive glory when Jesus healed him. On the other hand, Job was "sifted" because God allowed Satan to inflict damage on him and his household. In the end, it doesn't really matter as long as we understand that it is God who can bring us out of hardship. This is all about God, not us.
That brings me to tonight. Things look grim. Yet we still hold on to the promise we believe God has given us; that God will restore (raise) Jeseca from her "bed of illness." He will. He must.
So with that, I want to leave you with the prologue (as written three years ago) to the book we may now call "Surviving Cancer." At the time it seemed like a cool thing to do; now it seems like a reminder for me that we must always hold out for hope in our God.
Prologue (2004) We have a tradition on New Year's Eve. It's nothing flashy, nothing that would make the papers. But it is a tradition that has brought focus to each New Year as we have sought God's will in our lives. Every year, Jeseca and I get down on our knees and dedicate the last five minutes of the current year, and the first five minutes of the New Year to God, thanking Him for what He has done in our lives, and asking that His will be done in us even more than He had the year before. Since we began this tradition a few years ago, God has been faithful to provide for us, uplift us, strengthen us, and bless us with His love and grace.
As we have sought God's will in our lives, we have seen God answer many prayers -- prayers for restoration, for our family members' salvation, for financial security, for a deeper love of God. And with those answers to prayer come many blessings. But we have also been challenged with several trials.
Our first challenge came with news of our first child. Though he is the first of two of the greatest rewards we could ever have received from God, news of his expected arrival made both of us quake. We were young, inexperienced newlyweds still learning the basics in Christianity and had quite a time putting the idea of a new life for which we were ultimately responsible into proper perspective.
News of our second child was just as startling, but with three years of parenting experience and a greater relationship with the Lord, it was more a blessing than anything else.
Career choices, relocations, and the loss of nearly everything we have had are other examples of trials we have experienced -- but none has been as serious as that which we face now.
Webster's dictionary defines cancer as "a malignant tumor of potentially unlimited growth that expands locally by invasion and systemically by metastasis." The word "cancer" spoken in a room full of people brings a hush. So you can imagine our reaction when we first were informed of Jeseca's diagnosis in September of 2003: Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the tonsil, with metastases in thirteen lymph glands...Stage 4.
This book is the story of how we -- with the support of dozens of extraordinary people, countless prayers, and the love of an amazing God -- survived cancer.
