On borrowed time
It turns out that the cancer has come back in her neck; a 2cm tumor is growing against her right vocal chord, causing it to paralyze and obstructing her breathway. The doctor, who reminded us of Peter Sellers' dentist character in an old Pink Panther movie, was very blunt with us, which turned out to be a blessing. There are so many things going on with her that he really didn't know where to start, so he began at the top with her eye. There is a 4cm tumor growing in the orbit of her left eye. It can be removed, but at the risk of her losing her vision. That was one thing, but it wasn't critical unless she "wants to stay here longer."
Next was the tumor in her throat. Because the tumor is growing against her vocal chord, we were told it is only a matter of time until her already narrow (1mm) air passage fully closes and suffocates her. In his words, "you've been getting away with it. It can close up at any moment."
This particular tumor, however, is inoperable, and because Jes has had radiation to her entire neck and throat, she can only receive a radiation "boost." To make matters worse, any treatment will make her neck swell, suffocating her in the process. So we had to decide to either have a trach put in so she can breathe and live, or not. The only problem is this: even if she has a trach put in, and even if they are able to treat the tumor in her throat, she still has massive tumors in her liver and some in her chest and lung.
So as the doctor waited for our answer, Jes just looked up at him and told him exactly what I was thinking: "I want to pray about it." And with that, we left the hospital. As we walked to the car (it was quite a lengthy walk in the cold night and I was wearing shorts), we talked privately about the life we had built together.
When we got to the car (it was the only one in the parking lot), I asked her if she wanted to talk...if we were rushing. She said we could talk in the car on the way home, but as I opened the door for her to get in, she started crying...so did I. We have had such a rich life together. Eventually, we started home, and boy was it awesome to see the boys when we got there!
Bob and Joy came to join my mom and us in a prayer for the night. Thanks so much, you guys, for standing in the gap last night!
After putting the boys to bed, we stayed up as long as we could bear it. It was obvious - we were both afraid to go to bed. I crept into bed around 12:45 a.m., and while Jes washed her face before getting in bed, I asked God to reassure me that we did the right thing in rolling the dice with Him instead of choosing the trach. And this is exactly why we believe in our God. He spoke to me directly in Psalm 34 and told me not to be afraid, that those who place their trust in Him are saved from their fears and troubles. I'm paraphrasing, but I felt so much peace after that. I prayed with Jes when she got in bed, asking God to open my eyes in the morning to see her beautiful face smiling back at me. And with that, we both fell asleep.
I woke up around 8:30 a.m. to find that God had not answered my prayer...Jeseca was already up, not smiling back at me. No complaints, though.
The next several hours brought us so much joy, as friends from all over joined us in a prayer meeting at the house. The entire Hallahan clan was here, along with some of my side of the family and Jeseca's. We briefed everybody on our decision to skip conventional wisdom since the trach was just a temporary relief, not a cure, and instead that it was "all God or nothing." The next two hours were filled with prayer and supplication, with some praise and worship mixed in. By 1 p.m. we were filled up and ready to go, confident that we have made the right choice.
Now it's 11:20 p.m., and as I type this note/novel I can hear Jeseca's heavy breathing. She's been coughing quite a bit tonight, too. I say that to indicate that this step we've taken requires real faith. It's not easy, this walk, but thank God we are only required to take one step at a time...one day at a time. And it's all borrowed. All I want is another day with her. And then another. And I will keep asking for another day until God says no.
Lord, please bring us a new day with new mercies. We love you, even in the worst of times. And because you can be trusted, we know that you have much more life ahead of us, both of us.
Labels: Jeseca's Fight Against Cancer
posted by Jon Graves at 10:17 PM
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