P.S.....
It's amazing how God reaches me, even when I'm not looking for him. Today is a perfect example.
A dear friend of ours offered to watch the boys today, and I took her up on it. After dropping them off at 10 a.m., I headed back home to do some work for the airport, but after an hour or so decided that I needed to do something for myself. I ended up in front of the big screen at a movie called, P.S. I Love You. It's the story of a woman whose husband dies (interestingly enough at the same age as Jes...35), but leaves letters behind to help her get through. I wanted to find out if they got it right. They did.
All in all, the anguish she went through is very real and extremely accurate, at least as I can relate to it. Hillary Swank's character says at one point that she is so angry she could kill someone. All I can say is that I understand, and I would recommend the movie to anyone who really wants to know how it feels to lose a spouse. Please do remember, though, that this is a Hollywood movie, not Focus on the Family...
My story could end there, but God wasn't through with me. I bought a pair of sunglasses just before the movie started, and as I wandered back through Macy's toward the parking garage after the movie ended, I thought I might check in with my mom at her store. And that's when God began to push a bit more on my heart.
After stopping by, I walked by a small art gallery and noticed a few paintings of a woman in oil. One of the paintings closely resembled a self-portrait Jes did when we were first married....a fairly provocative one with a pose I had never seen captured elsewhere until today. As I stood there gazing up at it, I couldn't keep my heart from pairing the movie, this painting, and my life as it is now into one surreal moment. Then my brother sent me a text message, thanking me for his new iPod...the best gift he said he's ever received. It was the first message he's ever sent me, and it ended up pushing me over the emotional edge. Thank God I bought those sunglasses, because the walk from the second floor to the parking garage was filled with tears.
God knew I needed to feel that again; to feel the pain of losing her. He put the ingredients together and merged them at exactly the right moments to produce brokenness in me once again. Not because he wanted me to be sad, but because he wanted to hear my heart. He wanted me to be sincere with him again.
.................
I've thought a lot about a conversation I had with another friend, Karen, a while ago; maybe a month or so after Jeseca died. Of all things, we talked about the average span of time between the time a person loses a spouse and is remarried. If you don't know, the average person is remarried just one year after losing a spouse. I recall her saying how creepy that was, and I agreed with her. Now that I'm on this side of it, though, I don't necessarily know that it matters.
Much like Hillary Swank in P.S. I Love You, I wanted to simply die in the few weeks after Jeseca died. In fact, I remember telling my brother that I was going to begin living dangerously to test fate. But then I realized, just like the main character in this movie pointed out today, that while her story is over, it is essentially a chapter in my own, and that mine is still being written.
As the New Year approaches, I have a choice to make. I can either stay there and stunt who I could become, or continue to live with God and allow him to bring new people and experiences into my life and complete his story for me. Part of me wants to stay; the other knows it's not what God wants for me. Lord, please see me through.
posted by Jon Graves at 8:45 PM
1 Comments:
My heart is touched so deeply for you as I read this. And God has certainly given you an amazing gift of writing to share your heart with many who need healing themselves.
No one can imagine the heartache, and loneliness you must experience day to day unless they have been there themselves. And it doesn't really matter what anyone says except the Lord.
Your and Jes' marriage was filled with love and adoration not many others have experienced. You shared something so special through the Lord and were an example to many. Ecc. 4:12
God will see you through because he loves you so very much. As you stated so heartfelt and elequently, your life story is still being written and you must go on, as hard as it will be. The cherished moments you and Jes shared will never be washed away. Memories may become faint over the years, but if you were before the Lord today, I know he would say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." My prayers are with you to continue the good fight and pursue all God has planned for you, son. Jer. 29:11
Know you are in the prayers and loved by so many people around the world. You will be lifted up. I dilligently pray our gracious and loving God will fill you once again with peace and joy in the morning.
Mom
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