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Friday, June 29, 2007

What next?

Quite a bit has changed since I last posted here, not the least of which has been the addition of a four-person hospice team...

I have to admit that I don't really know what else to say anymore. Jeseca's health continues to worsen and all I can do is pray about it. I just cry out for God's mercy. What more can I possibly do?

This evening, after going in to do some work at the airport, I headed for Harbor Island at 1:00 a.m. to spend some one-on-one time with the Lord. It couldn't have been more peaceful, with the nearly full moon's light glimmering off of the calm bay waters. I sat there on an empty park bench and poured what's left of my heart out to God. I know He was listening, but I don't know that I heard any response. Just.......well, just peace.

A week ago, Jes mentioned how painful it is to cough now. The growth in her chest (what causes her cough) has either grown into her sternum or is burrowing beneath it. It's also painful to the touch. The doctor says don't touch it. (Makes sense.) But as she sleeps, she coughs. And three nights ago, while she nearly cried her way through a coughing fit, I found myself pleading with God to take her. I couldn't take it anymore and wanted God to end her suffering. And I understood for the first time in my life why people sought out Dr. Kevorkian's "help." (No, we would never, never do such a thing.)

When I got home tonight, I read through Romans 9. Verses 14-16 say, "What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." I wonder what that's supposed to mean...

You know, I come back to this almost every time I ponder what's happening -- that God remains in control, and that my very best will never be good enough to save Jeseca from death. As Romans 9 articulates, it's all up to God and has nothing to do with me. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes not. In the end, though, I still find myself staring back up into the heavens, waiting on the Lord to make his next call. And while I do that, I pray that my beautiful wife sleeps peacefully through the night. Lord, please be merciful. JG

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6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to see your wife precious suffer so and for so long. And I cannot imagine what she is going through.

By the still waters of the bay is a perfect place to be before God and pour out your heart. All you can do is rest in the peace he gave you as he heard your cry and collected every tear. I too was awake at this hour and praying for Jeseca, you, and this situation which is far beyond my understanding. I prayed for understanding and trust. For belief in my unbelief and wondering why my faith seems to be weakening in all this. I believe in my Spirit that He has a plan. I know that he is on the Throne, knows all things, and is in control. I will continue to trust him and believe for her healing, yet I am so afraid and restless in this wait.

Hear our cry oh Lord and bring your healing quickly, I pray.

3:31 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I just want to say thank you for allowing us to come over and visit. It was hard, but at the same time a huge blessing. It was hard cause I could feel your sadness, and heavy heart. And Jeseca being so tired, and worn out though all of this, and dealing with what she is dealing with but still being a mother, That is so hard. But I saw Jesus when I was there. It was like God was in your presence, which He always is. But I felt that God was loving on her. Even through all the pain and suffering. I am so sorry for you both that you have to endure this hardship. It grieves my heart. I wanted to fix her to fix the situation but I cant. And that is so painful. I am sure that you have felt that. I wanted it all to disappear and that Jeseca could be back to the way she was. But God has a plan. And His ways arent ours and all we can do is cling to Him through all the pain. And trust that He has our future in His hands. I have to admit that when I left, there was water works for 4 hours. And I just cried out to God and really let Him know how I felt. Hey I can be honest with Him, He already knows what I am thinking. But I just told Him this all sucks. But through it all HELP Jon and all of us that have to watch this, or hear about it to keep our eyes focused on "You Oh Lord." And that He would send you peace for the weary hearted. And to give Jeseca rest. And you strength. His strength that tho we feel like we cant make it through this trial we know we are cause of Him. Anyways thanks again, and Michael would love to get together with you. All day today he has been so sad and down casted by what you are enduring. He really feels for you. I guess that is what God means when He says to weep with those who weep. To mourn with those who mourn. We are mourning and weeping with you. Tell Jes I love her. And am so thankful for her sweet friendship. Love you all.. Sarah

12:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jon I have been praying for you and for Jeseca daily. That God's will be done. I am so sorry you are having to watch her suffer so. God will heal her or take her mercifully into his arms. She is so wonderfully talented and blessed to be able to make a living at something she loves. I pray for your peace and comfort.

8:41 PM  
Blogger bluetaterbaby said...

My prayers are there for all of you. May God's Holy Spirit cradle Jeseca and remove her horrible pain and bring healing to her body. May He continue to give you strength as you care for Jeseca and the boys. We all care and lift all of you up in prayer.

I just thank you God for supplying all needs. Thank you for your precious Son that died on the cross to save us from our sin. I thank you that by His stripes we were healed. I believe it and I claim it in Jesus' name. Amen.

11:58 PM  
Blogger bluetaterbaby said...

I pray and think of all of you often. I know God is in control of everything. May God bring comfort to Jes while removing the horrible pain and suffering. I pray for your strength as you continue to be there for Jes and the boys. You have the love and prayers of many. I thank God for supplying all your needs.

10:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jon,

I don't know how or why I found your blog - but it has hit me with all the force of a hurricane. I have been going through my own health issues this year - and I can tell you that God is real - He loves you and Jeseca and He knows what He is doing - though we don't seem to understand.

I see you have not posted in a while, so I pray you both have strength and peace right now and that things are getting better.


I won't pretent to say any more words of wisdom or compassion - there is no water that can douse the flame of your suffering right now. I cannot fathom what I would do in your shoes, but I am amazed at your grace and presence in the YouTube video. I am sorry I did not find it before the 9th of June, however I am praying for all of you.

I pray: Lord Jesus - please let her touch the hem of your robe, great healer. I know you heard me this year and showered me with your grace - please Lord give them the same peace and mercy - for You know they are more deserving.

I also pray especially for your sons.

All the best.

9:25 PM  

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